“To have striven, to have made the effort, to have been true to certain ideals – this alone is worth the struggle.”
It’s one of those mornings. Maybe you’ve had them, the ones where upon rising, something’s not quite right, things don’t fit. A feeling, among others, that spirit and body don’t match, that head and heart are at odds, a conspicuous conspiracy between our halves not to be ignored. And while they are not altogether unfamiliar mornings, they are generally kept at bay as we shrug them off, making our way into the day. Indeed, who has time for such things? But, then, there are those times when the conflict will be heeded, will not be ignored, and we must answer. This morning will not accept my shrug. That much is clear, but what is not clear is what’s nagging at me.
Maybe it’s my recent decision to step down from my additional, outside-the-classroom duties. Maybe it’s all the reading and writing I have been doing about grading and my dismay at a system that is broken because we let it be. Maybe it’s because I do have a sense of destiny, and I believe I am supposed to do something. Maybe it’s because I have begun to discover that there are many like minds out there, and while I find that affirming and reassuring, I also find it daunting and discouraging, for the will is there but not the way. Maybe it’s my recent court with controversy that has alienated me from some of my colleagues. Maybe it’s my restless impatience. Maybe, I’m just whining. Maybe. Real or imagined, though, it’s there, but it’s out of grasp. Vexing. For, that which will not be ignored, will not be reached, either, so I am left guessing.
And, at this moment, my best guess leads me to believe that my struggle points to next year, a year that I believe has to be pivotal in my journey to change education, a belief that my walking has to surpass my talking. But it can’t just be a simple stroll. It has to be a walk along the edge, maybe off the edge, an uncertain step from a cliff without bottom, a step requiring courage, courage I may not have. And maybe that’s it. Maybe I am afraid. But not it–exactly, for I think I have the courage to take the step–it’s not stopped me before, but maybe I am afraid of being alone, being alienated, being ostracized by those who do not see or understand. But maybe that’s how it has to be. Maybe it’s just simply reconciling within myself that to find it, I have to chase it, even if that means I go it alone. Or, of course, it may very well be that I am afraid that I will fall victim to my own self-made hype and fail to find anything. And while that is certainly possible, I cannot believe that there remains nothing to be found out there. There has to be something. Has to be.
Happy Tuesday, all. Sorry for the recent struggles. If I may, it helps that I know you are listening–that I know, in truth, I am not alone.