“…suddenly there came a tapping,
Edgar Allan Poe, “The Raven”
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
“‘Tis some visiter,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door—Only this and nothing more.”
Bit of a tough day yesterday. Doubt found me. Not sure if it was my talking about test scores yesterday morning or maybe our having so few days left in the year, but doubt came knocking. And, like a fool, I let him in.
And there he stood, staring me down, taking measure, making me wonder and worry over my decisions this year. Did I do enough of this? Did I do too much of that? Did she pass the SBA because of me? Did he fail the SBA because of me? Is everything because of me? Is anything because of me?
But the beating grew louder, louder! I thought the heart must burst. And now a new anxiety seized me –the sound would be heard by a neighbour!
Edgar Allan Poe, “The Tell-Tale Heart”
Is anything because of me? Yes. No. I don’t know. In my “doubtier” moments I imagine a conversation. I am not sure who it is sitting on the other side of the table, but we are familiar, not friends…no, foes. He is not welcome in my room, but I will not ask him to leave, for this is a conversation we must have. It’s been coming for years. And, there where I sit, I am confident, resolute. I have thought long, I have thought hard. I must say what it is that’s built inside. This is my moment to fight, for I will not take flight. I open my mouth, and nothing comes out. ‘Twas only a mad imagining as he vanishes, and I snap back to reality.
I fill my lungs with air. I smile away my fright. I say good morning to each of my charges. And I teach. I teach. In these moments I teach harder than ever. I must. It is the only thing that stills the noise, as I sit and learn with my kids in our moments, the only real moments I know, the moments that keep the madness at bay, the moments that no outsider can know. Our moments. My only certainty.
So I cling. I cling to our moments. They make me whole. I am me again. And I shout to doubt at the door, “You are welcome, nevermore.” But he’ll be back, of this I am sure.
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!”
Edgar Allan Poe, “The Raven”
Quoth the raven, “Nevermore.”
Today’s Trail
Along today’s trail we will experience…
…connecting through Smiles and Frowns.
…growing as writers.
…reflecting in our Journey Journals.
…hearing a Sappy Sy Rhyme.
Happy Tuesday, all. Sorry for the odd post. Unfortunately, it seems one’s struggle with “impostor syndrome” is just part of the journey. Thank you for letting me kick it from my front step this morning. Really am better today. The kids helped me through. They always do.
Do. Reflect. (kick doubt’s ass) Do Better.