Some days I feel as if I am a force. I am making a difference. I am daring different. I am chasing better. I am changing education.
Other days I feel as if I am a fraud, clinging to the ethereal imaginings of a madman who’s at the beginning of his end. Will I fight or flee when they come for me?
Come for you? Well, no, not really. But at some point the roads are going to cross. And it is that crossing that haunts and taunts. It is that crossing that will test my convictions. And though I like to think I’d fight, and believe I certainly would have as a younger teacher, as I have gotten on, I am less-certain of the strength I once possessed. And, I’m not sure if there’s enough fight left in me. And that. That is far more worrisome for me than losing the fight without. I am afraid of losing the fight within. That is the fraud I fear.
To keep him away and at bay, I have always kept my door open. Always. It’s as if to say, “Come, look. See me. I have nothing to hide, nothing to fear. I am a force.” Oh, that is not to say that I haven’t wanted to shut myself in and the world without, that I haven’t wanted to take the path less hard. But I don’t. I can’t. It’s not in my fiber. It’s not in my being. I am a fighter. I have always been a fighter. I will always be a fighter.
Until, I am not. A younger Sy could not fathom such days. “Not” was never a consideration. But now “not” visits my thoughts. And I am afraid.
This past week, to keep the noise out while kids were presenting, my door has been shut. And aside from the mild episodes of claustrophobia, I didn’t hate it. I found comfort in the close, literally and symbolically. I didn’t want to be a part. I wanted to be apart. I wanted to sadly slip into my cave. Want to. But won’t.
My door will be open today. And though I am less than what I once was, I can still feel the force. For now.
Today’s Trail
Along today’s trail we will experience…
…connecting through Smiles and Frowns.
…demonstrating growth with grammar (learning check).
…reflecting in our Journey Journals.
…hearing a Sappy Sy Rhyme.
Happy Tuesday, all. Sorry for my weakness today.
Do. Reflect. Do Better.
Yes. I know it well- the ability to close my door and just enjoy the positive influence I am making on that day, with my students. Closing the door could keep the political and administrative drama at bay, but only for a while, usually, for me, until that weekly Faculty Meeting. =) I hear you saying (and it is what keeps ME going strong every day) that time with my students is WHY I DO WHAT I DO. Each and every day we have the opportunity to make a positive difference in a student’s world. We always hear the outside noise, sometimes listening and letting it harbor in our hearts and minds. And other times, we turn our back on it and do what, in our deepest part of our soul, we know to be the right thing: educate our students.
My best to you and know you are not alone in this feeling.
~Kristin Whitmore
Thank you, Kristin for “getting it.” And thank you, too, for “seeing me” and checking in. Always appreciate your wise, kind support. Always. Happy Wednesday.